Recursive Dream

My Journey To Sadhanapada

COVID lock-down found me alone for the first time in over 10 years, working at a particularly dysfunctional and delusional company (appropriate for my life at the time), and generally feeling like I hadn't progressed beyond the compulsion, aimlessness, and isolation of adolescence. On paper I was reasonably successful, respected, and comfortable; psychologically, I had hit rock bottom.

I realized just how little I knew of my body and mind, despite (mis)using them both for the better part of four decades. Many years spent in the mind had achieved little more than chronic depression and anxiety, so I decided to give the body a try. I had done bodybuilding in the past, but I wanted something more holistic - I took up Vinyasa Yoga. I found a great instructor and practiced (almost) daily using his videos. I began to feel muscles I didn't know existed and experience breath more profoundly. My mood and health were improving, but I still felt trapped by my limitations and had no real attachment to the goals society trains us to pursue: wealth, power, love, companionship, material accumulation, etc. They had their uses and provided some solace, but weren't fulfilling.

My pursuit of growth and fulfillment somehow took me to Inner Engineering; I was immediately skeptical. A program of "transformation" by a "Mystic" and "Guru" - was I really that desperate? ... Yes, yes I was. 😂 In January 2022 I was initiated into Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya by Sadhguru and, to put it simply, my life changed forever. Over the next two years I completed four advanced programs offered by his foundation, Isha, at their Ashram in the mountains of Tennessee; spending time there felt like going home in a way my real home never had.

Without the necessary energy, being aware is extremely difficult. That is why sadhana or yogic practices – to stir up the energy. - Sadhguru

After a few months of meditation, people began remarking how much calmer I seemed. After a year, they were saying how much calmer I made them. Behind that calm demeanor was a newfound bliss and ceaseless longing to expand beyond all boundaries. Alongside many wonderful changes within me, an intense struggle raged. I was becoming more aware of subtle conditioning and habits which would routinely assert themselves, disrupting my practice and leading me astray. Dedicating over four hours per day to Yoga and meditation was difficult to maintain among the distractions and inertia of daily life. I had been given the necessary tools and energetic investment by my Guru, but making proper use of them would come down to developing the awareness to not only observe these limitations, but overcome them.

Sadhanapada offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to focus fully on my spiritual development with no distractions for over seven months, in a powerfully consecrated space designed specifically for this purpose, as part of a holistic program designed by Sadhguru. I had previously set a goal to attend the program by my 40th birthday this year, so I applied last December. After rounds of interviews, by Sadhguru's Grace, I was accepted! (The acceptance rate was around 2.75% 😅)

I am writing this from the Ashram, in the second month of the program. I could not have imagined a better environment or process than what's unfolding here. My practices are deepening and refining themselves without effort. Any resistance to what's asked of me, if it manifests at all, is gone in a moment. I am steeped in gratitude for this opportunity and, at times, scarcely believe it's real!

For the time being, this blog will be dedicated to chronicling this journey. I have little time to dedicate to it, but I'll do my best to post regular updates. My current plan is for a monthly update and occasional "flavor" articles about aspects of the Ashram I find particularly delightful and/or notable. I hope you enjoy!

Our deeds have traveled far
What we have been is what we are
All that we learn this time
Is carried beyond this life