Sadhanapada - Month Four
Have you ever awoken from a dream still believing it was real? Maybe in the dream you were diagnosed with a terrible illness and, upon waking, began fearing for your life. Perhaps your mind immediately began problem-solving: how to obtain treatment, who to notify, etc. Then you remembered: it was all a dream! A wave of relief and gratitude washed over you, along with a profound sense of freedom, despite nothing having changed.
This was the nature of an insight I received in October. I was walking along minding my business and observing my thoughts as usual, when suddenly the utter irrelevance of thought itself became clear. I immediately felt free from the oppression of past and future thoughts. Life felt pregnant with a nebulous new possibility.
This revelation didn't come as thought, which would have been ironic; it was more primary and immediate than that. Distancing one's self from thought is central to the spiritual process, but this wasn't a process: the revelation came in a flash and in that moment everything and nothing changed.
I had imagined, if something like this were to occur, all thought would cease and I would peer into the clear depths of a placid mind. If anything, the pace of thought increased for a time — I guess it was a lot to process.
The primary effect of this insight has been the cessation of identification with thought.
As I write this in late November, I have been intermittently ill for the entire month. This has severely impacted my Sadhana and ability to engage with activities around the Ashram. Many negative thoughts have accompanied these limitations, not to mention the roller coaster of partial recovery followed by recurring symptoms. I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll be capable of day to day. Thoughts of leaving even arose.
While my mood has been diminished from time to time by chronic fatigue and various accompanying symptoms, I haven't been carried away by any of the negative thoughts, nor have I judged myself for having them or felt a need to replace them with positive thoughts. I have simply observed them with a curious detachment, as one might clouds floating lazily across the horizon. ☁️
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