Recursive Dream

Sadhanapada - Month Three

This post is related to Sadhanapada, a seven month program of transformation and spiritual development at Isha Yoga Center in southern India, beginning July 2024. Read the introduction for important context.

Whatever you're looking for
Don't ever start looking behind
Whatever you want to change
You better start changing your mind
'Cause everything can be done
Stand up 'cause this is your time

These are lyrics from the song Stranger In Your Soul by Transatlantic. I recently found their 2001 album Bridge Across Forever through Rate Your Music (an incredible resource) and it is among the most beautiful and affecting progressive rock albums I've heard. Truly amazing work.

Amazes me you're afraid of something beyond today
Death walks behind you
– Beardfish, Comfort Zone

I can't believe the time has come and passed for another monthly update. Only 20 weeks left in the program — they will be gone in a moment. For much of my life I sought refuge from boredom; time often felt slow and sluggish. Today I feel the reaper trailing my steps, absentmindedly tapping a dwindling hourglass with one long, bony finger...

In this update, I want to touch on two aspects of life which have been alive for me this past month. I lack the time, knowledge, and articulation to do them justice, but I believe they are profoundly important to us all. I hope to entice you to delve into these topics through more experienced and talented teachers.

Stillness #

If one has to become still, the individual mind has to become less and less important. This is coming from a knowing that the existence itself is a living mind. When such a huge mind is at work, better keep your petty mind aside. - Sadhguru

Not since Samyama have I experienced such states of stillness. Many times this past month, my mind became still enough to perceive the bliss that exists within each of us. This bliss isn't acquired — a natural, constant upsurge of energy flows within us all, we just allow the mind to bury it beneath our personal reality. In this state, suffering and desire completely dissolve; nothing remains but to joyfully experience the phenomenon of life. It is the most liberating feeling I have known — what could be more freeing than knowing you are already complete within yourself?

Blissfulness is not something that you earn from outside; it is something that you dig deep into yourself and find. - Sadhguru

Compulsion #

As if to counterbalance this stillness, compulsion also found expression. It's rare to develop the necessary awareness to perceive the degree to which we live unconscious, compulsive lives. We identify the obvious ones: substance abuse, sexual perversion, and so forth. These are relatively uncommon though, even in today's hyperactive, addicted cultures.

Most of us are defined (and held back) by the mundane, everyday, accepted forms of compulsion: eating, speaking, judging, concluding, avoiding, desiring. The compulsions highlighted below may seem trivial, but every moment spent thinking and behaving compulsively is a moment we cede our freedom to the whims of our conditioning. Once one perceives the terrifying frequency of this unconscious state, they are left with no option but to eradicate every source, no matter how benign.

Two compulsions I've been working with lately are:

A third has been nostalgia. The previous two aren't surprising: I have been somewhat compulsive regarding food since childhood and, given the extent to which I judge myself, it's not shocking to see that reflected onto others in a context where I want to "succeed"; not that it has anything to do with them. Nostalgia was unexpected, though, as I have always left the past in the past — not least because my long-term memory is negligible. I rather enjoyed recalling people, events, and interests which defined periods in my life.

Through careful, consistent observation all three compulsions are gradually receding. I'm amazed by what can be accomplished through conscious awareness, without attempting to change anything. It can be counter-intuitive to do nothing when presented with a "problem," but I'm finding that most undesirable tendencies and compulsions are looking for little more than acknowledgment and examination; they don't need our judgment or conclusions. From the book Five Personality Patterns, I learned these patterns develop to aid in our survival, though it may not always be obvious when they begin to manifest or become sufficiently reinforced to integrate into our personality.

This isn't to say we should celebrate our limitations as has become popular on social media. Millions of young people developing attention deficit disorders, for example, requires intervention not memes. I suffered from depression and anxiety much of my life; as a teenager I concluded I simply wasn't meant to be happy like other people — a conclusion which shaped much of my adult life. I am eternally grateful to have learned such suffering is unnecessary — my heart breaks for everyone who won't receive that gift.

There Are Not Two Wolves Inside Me #

It's tempting to construct a narrative about how stillness is dissolving ego, but ego is fighting back by manifesting these mind-identifying preoccupations. This would only serve to reinforce a false duality; these are aspects of one self finding individual expression, just as we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. This view makes accepting these patterns much easier, which is the only way to let them go; conflict only leads to suppression and continued suffering.

I'll close with more lyrics from Stranger In Your Soul, give it a listen!

Once
Not so long ago
I lived far below
Where you are
I didn't even know
Home was far away
I was sleeping wide awake
Breaking down
Waiting for the sound

But I can't hear it now
Is it all too late?
'Cause I would sell my dreams
If I could be awake