Recursive Dream

Sadhanapada - Month Two

Rather than spend many words describing what happens during my time here, I'll be focusing on how the program affects me. I think that will ultimately be more interesting to read about and more useful for me in the future. A couple events from the beginning of month two are worth mentioning though:

  1. After one month, my luggage finally arrived! 🧳🥳 I am grateful every day for my wardrobe, bedding, toiletries, and electronics.
  2. My Seva (volunteering) was reassigned to the IT - Applications team, which builds the Sadhguru App. I am currently helping build the backend for a new, ambitious meditation app. 📱

Settling In #

Month two was all about settling into the rhythm of life at the Ashram. As I gained experience and confidence with the layout, timings, and various processes, I found more time for my daily activities. My day begins by 3:30 a.m. and ends after 10 p.m., but nonetheless feels incredibly brief. This month marked a transition from stressful reaction to constraints and disruptions to a calm, collected response. I rearranged my schedule until I arrived at one that gave me time to do everything needed. Events and activities in the program and around the ashram give me plenty of opportunity to respond; I have come to enjoy the challenge!

I Am Not The Body #

When I first arrived, I had high expectations for how quickly my body would adapt to the extreme schedule and various environmental changes. As those expectations weren't met, I pushed harder, resulting in exhaustion and illness. I was too identified with how strong, flexible, energetic, and capable I was compared to my arbitrary expectations and how I perceived others, which was no more accurate than my self-assessment. As I consciously shed identification with my body, I learned to slowly push my boundaries while remaining at ease. I also replaced judgment and disappointment with a great deal of compassion and gratitude for this body which has done so much for me, despite my abuses.

Once, I became quite sick and ended up in the clinic with a high fever. Instead of reacting to circumstances, I consciously responded to the moment. Though the illness prevented me from volunteering for a program, I accepted my predicament. Despite the agony, I never wished for relief. I simply saw how to remain joyful within myself as my health slowly recovered. (The next couple weeks I had an insatiable appetite, which was fun and delicious!)

I Am Not The Mind #

The combination of settling in and responding instead of reacting began to quiet my mind. Time passed easily as I involved myself completely in whatever I was doing, free from concern, expectation, or struggle. I thought about myself rarely — my preferences, desires, conclusions, likes and dislikes, past and future. This previously compulsive activity was coming under my control and I found that I rarely needed or missed it. A Sadhguru quote I found just the other day sums this up nicely:

If you put in more time, you will see, once you go beyond a certain point, so many things which you thought were a part of you are suddenly not there anymore.

(I have been gradually noticing this for some time, but it has gone into overdrive during Sadhanapada.)

Energetic Bliss #

Despite sleeping less than five hours per night, walking over 10,000 steps a day, working the equivalent of a full-time job, and practicing roughly five hours of Yoga/meditation, my energy levels are increasing. Along with this energy a profound stillness is developing. The two mix and mingle to create a pleasant, blissful state that carries me through my busy day.

Coming Home #

Over the course of billions of years, this creation transformed itself from undifferentiated energy into the phenomenon that is this physical reality, complete with beings able to consciously experience reality subjectively and, so I'm told, fully integrate that unified source into their lived experience — an existential homecoming. Intellectually I know there is no path, no process, and no destination; we are all already that which we seek. Yet I can't shake the feeling that, after many long eons spent wandering, I may finally be on my way home.